This one is for the moms…..

This one is for the moms…..

Okay so motherhood was definitely the biggest life changer I received.  I thought cancer was and some people say it is easier to look back and think something was easier but you forget how hard it was during.  But to me, the plus side of cancer was in many ways – I got loved and taken care of.  I didn’t ask for it to happen and I sure wouldn’t want it to happen again but I received presents, was told to lie down, rest, eat well, and take care of me.  I received fluids to make sure I was hydrated and prayers from all over.  Now motherhood – well – to be honest – it is not always the most refreshing thankful job and I think I have raised Kira well.  Now when mommy is sad – yes she gives me love but the day to day is me providing love, nourishment, physical exercise, support, clean clothes, school supplies, play dates, etc etc etc.  Even my watching of Hart of Dixie or anything that fuels my fire is taken over by the Inbestigators.  So it is easy for me to lose me in the WE.  And yes, it is also the most purposeful and rewarding job I have ever had and a love like no other – don’t get me wrong.

But – sometimes a girl needs time to just take care of one peep.  Herself.  I probably should have realized I needed this (but atlas, live & learn) back when I got a speeding ticket in Switzerland and upon receiving/translating the letter, I realized I had two options.  One was to pay 600 francs and the other was to spend 3 nights in jail and I actually was intrigued by the second option.  I thought to myself, clean, free of clutter, minimalistic space all to myself while being fed possibly some delicious rosti covered in cheese made by all natural cows with a tie to the land and no need for lactaid here my friends – sounds like it could be good!  Maybe like a silent meditation? But I went the payment route and proceeded.

So when I had the blessing of 2 weeks to myself while Stan visited Oma in Colorado and Kira got some Omi’s time – I was excited.  I returned to the simplicity of taking care of one being and filling up my cup so that I could center myself, spend some time appreciating slowness and stillness, and mend some of the emotions I had stuffed in an effort to support my family.  And here is what I wrote about those amazing 2 weeks:

These past two weeks – I said yes to me in the kindest, most gentle way possible.  A way unknown to me, never taught and never programmed into my psyche.

I said yes to facing the tears and the fears that I have stuffed down in an effort to BE STRONG.  I said yes to eating a slice of pizza and a beer.  I said yes to finally staining the deck and when my tired limbs got too weary – I said yes to a break.  I said yes to laying on the couch and watching multiple episodes of queer eye in which I pretended they would come and help make me over.  I said yes to sitting with some of my pain and allowing my physical body to soften as it passed through and I reminded myself that I had it in me.  I said yes to wearing the blue dress to my Godson’s graduation even though my legs aren’t the size I may long for right now and who knows if they will be again.  I said yes to exploring the fear I have for this world right now and giving myself the reminder of faith – not wishing for an outcome yet honoring the process and wishing each individual, family, country, and community well as they evolve.  I said yes to every piece of me.
I have pondered why it is so easy for me to love others yet I need space and time to love myself, completely as I am, in this moment, not reaching but actual acceptance.
And I can honestly say it felt GOOD.  To settle into who I am at my core, to grieve the life of yesteryear, to pause at my intermission, to let go of guilt and shame, to own my mistakes, see my accomplishments, and awaken the pieces of me that dream.  To do simple things with so much gratitude, to feel peace, peace in saying yes to me.
So in conclusion – it is so easy as members of one family to become a little dependent on one party or one source of love.  But it is part of the most healthy relationships and family dynamics I believe for everyone to have some space completely as an individual again – as they were before they were part of something.  I was so pleased to welcome my family back, exchange stories on our adventures, and I hold that space that I had with such love.

Leave a Reply