Grief, Life, Love, Pandemic – it is not linear

So something came to me today – an “aha” moment or light bulb moment where something clicks.

Sometimes this happens on the mat, sometimes when cleaning, sometimes totally random but when it happens I try to capture it and sit with it.  I try to expand the concept and ask why this came to me.  Why now? What for?

And today – it was that nothing in life is continuously linear – that all of our paths are sometimes smooth and sometimes rocky and for some of us – a lot of rocks.  So anything we realize that we have in common – actually unites us as humans to this human experience and helps form connection, compassion, and empathy.  If we know that our lives aren’t linear, than when we encounter some weird vibe, indifference, anger, hostility – maybe we can create that space to ask the tough questions – are you okay? can we talk about this? Or maybe simply giving space to both of us lovingly.  I can be in a house of joy and still be with your pain or unrest and vice versa when roles are shifted.

A couple weeks ago I took a nourish and unwind virtual retreat with Danni Pomplun and some other beautiful souls.  It was four hours on Sat and four hours on Sunday of restorative yoga, yoga nidra, self massage, and all around self love.  In the beginning meditation – he made this beautiful analogy of sitting with one’s self like exploring our inside home – each room, each window, each nook and cranny where there may be some dust, a need for paint touchup, or some trash to take out.  It was like my own version of HGTV Home Makeover.  And for those of us that clean our own abodes – we know how much work this involves.  We know how fast dust can accumulate or leaves can be brought in (esp if you have pups and/or kids!).  Anyways I realized that in this endeavor – I hadn’t been taking this time for a while and it was probably because there was something inside I needed to sit with but couldn’t bring myself to do so.  Grief and this underlying programming of “just push through”.    Last October when I had a miscarriage – I took a week off to cry, walk, cry some more and truly be there for myself.  But I also – then got myself back up and back to teaching and I think in my mind I said to myself “okay now you grieved and now its over”.  But in actuality – it wasn’t and it probably isn’t.    This is life long grief that comes up at the most random times and if I am not completely patient and self compassionate with myself to sit down and FEEL it – I stuff it deep inside in the closets of my heart, under the rocks of my hip points, and who knows where else.

So in those 8 hours and in that one weekend – I released a lot.  And I also came to this realization today that  -aha- this grief, this experience of life as we get older does get more full of “stuff” to process.  Those battle wounds, those stories, those deep regrets or coulda shouldas – they need time to be taken out each day.  In accepting that the process isn’t linear and that I only have so much control – I am actually able to live more freely in acceptance and alignment with the true beauty of life’s essence and of the human experience.  I am able to surrender.

This pandemic for sure hasn’t been linear either.  We have had to ride the waves.  We have had to have our hopes up and then not.  But what we do have throughout this is each other, time of reflection, introspection, and deep deep healing.  A major spring cleaning if you will.

I hope when the first blossoms of spring arise and some of the hustle and bustle resumes, that I still tend to my house each day.  Make the bed.  Fold some clothes.  Do a few things for my most precious house.  I hope I take time to put some fresh flowers in my heart, some new paint on my spine, maybe wash the breath down my legs, and fire up the furnace in my belly.  Because every time I encounter a human – I want to fully see them, hear them and feel them from a clean lens.  The constant journey inward is where peace, contentment, and love are truly held harvested and made.  And to be able to give that good stuff to your outer world when you step outside – that is special.

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